Not Up For Discussion
by MissRizu
Summary: John Paul is enjoying his new life in Dublin with a more adult Craig, when a conversation with one of Craig's roommates prompts him to bring up one final issue of their sex life, one which Craig has previously let him know was not up for discussion. Two Parts.
1. Chapter 1

John Paul liked Dublin. There were plenty of DJ gigs for him, though occasionally paid only in peanuts and beer. He had even begun some classes at Trinity in music production and composition.

But it was being with Craig each day that made John Paul's heart warm. It was the fiery warmth of their youthful romance, minus the pain and lies, and spiced with the daily pleasures of their life together in a new place that belonged just to them.

Well, almost just them. There was also the matter of Craig's roommates, Tony, Ross and Templeton.

"Hey John Paul, you will be around tonight, right?" Tony said, running fingers through his hair to get it sticking up in just that manner that he thought most attractive to the ladies. "You'll DJ for us? You already have all that equipment and stuff, yeah?"

"Yeah. You going to pay me, for all that equipment and stuff?"

"There's peanuts in the pantry," Tony glanced at him. "Besides, you're staying here for free, yeah?"

"I'm paying my share," John Paul gave the money to Craig, when he got it from his gigs. It was not quite an equal share, but he planned to make that up as soon as he got more established in the city. He was already getting double the amount of gigs he had when they first arrived.

"How's that? I haven't seen any quid leave your fingers." Tony picked up a bottle of cologne and sprayed it on his neck, then chest, then armpits. John Paul waved away the cloud of scent with an exaggerated movement.

"Not everyone pays me in peanuts. I give my share to Craig."

"Ah. So lover boy's not completely footing the bill for you, then?"

"Hey," John Paul walked up, taking the cologne in his hand, "At least I got someone and don't need to primp myself up in the hope of getting shagged."

Tony snatched the cologne back, looking at John Paul with an expression that said he was not entirely comfortable with the images conjured by John Paul's words. But then his expression changed to a half smile and he looked back at the mirror.

"How is that, then? The sex? Craig's a handsome guy, and fit. And you're not so bad yourself. I bet it's pretty good."

"What?"

"You know," Tony continued, fiddling with his hair and watching John Paul in the mirror. "Before you showed up, we all thought Craig was straight. He even brought this girl Julie around. Then he drops her and goes home for some funeral, saying he's going to bring back his ex, and you show up." Tony looked him up and down in the mirror. "How come he couldn't get over you? You some kind of sex genius or something?"

John Paul nearly choked on his next breath, but he recovered and shot back, "I could give you a few pointers."

Tony laughed. "You know I'm into birds, though, right?

"Right. But I think you would find many of the techniques are transferable."

"Yeah?" Tony considered for a moment, as though he were legitimately interested in the concept, then looked at John Paul again in the mirror. "I'm serious you know. How's the sex? How's it work?"

John Paul took a breath. This never happened to him in Hollyoaks, straight guys asking him outright about details of gay sex. But Dublin, he had found, was a bit more open minded in this way. He let out the breath, considering his response.

The truth was, the sex, was, well, fantastic. His time with Craig was filled with all of the enthusiasm of the past, but none of the self loathing and doubt that had made Craig retreat in the morning. Waking in the morning with Craig by his side, all of Craig, a committed Craig, an adult Craig who had chosen him and even fought for him, made John Paul marvel anew at his good fortune and thank whatever gods or fates had seen fit to bestow upon him such happiness.

But he could not say all that to Tony. It was much too corny. So instead he said,

"You know, there are websites for that kind of thing."

"Yeah I am really going to run that search. Dear google, please tell me how two men get it on." He laughed. "No. I am interested in the real thing here, not some glossy internet site or blog. Is it mostly touching, getting each other off, or do you do the whole thing?"

"What do you mean the whole thing?"

"The whole thing, you know," Tony puffed out his cheeks, then let out the breath, still looking in the mirror. "Does he properly shag you?"

John Paul was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Tony, this is kinda private."

"He does?" John Paul could not stop the blush that colored his cheeks. It was his curse from being so pale, blushing so easily. Tony nodded, the red cheeks all the answer he needed. "You like it?"

"Of course I do. I'm gay, aren't I? That's what gays do, right, take it up the ass?"

"Hey, I'm not trying to be vulgar. I'm just curious. I don't mind it, didn't we all say we didn't mind it, when you moved in?"

"Yeah and that was great of you and all," John Paul sighed, running a hand through his own hair in an unconscious imitation of Tony's primping. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bite your head off or anything. But it's a bit awkward, you know, talking about it."

"What, you mean with a straight guy? Well that's not so good, is it? We talk about birds all the time and you have to listen to us. I thought, it being the age of equality and all, I would give you a listen."

"I suppose."

"You know, you have been really good for Craig. We could tell, even when you just arrived. He's much less tense than he was. Last year it was like he was gearing up for some sort of high stakes wrestling match, he was so tight. He was nice and all, but you never knew when he might just snap."

"That sounds like Craig. He was like that when we were back in Hollyoaks, too"

"How'd you calm him down?" John Paul let out a sound between a laugh and a sigh.

"It wasn't easy."

"Yeah?"

Tony paused in the mirror, taking his lower lip in his teeth. Though John Paul had made fun of him for his primping, he had to admit Tony was a handsome guy. The hair style suited him, and even the scent he had sprayed so copiously added to his appeal. John Paul did not really think he would have any problems finding birds tonight.

"John Paul, I'm going to ask you something and you don't have to answer if you don't want to." Tony turned away from the mirror, crossing his arms and standing loosely. "Do you ever properly shag Craig?"

John Paul felt his cheeks go suddenly very red, and the anger flaring in his chest felt as warm as the blood in his face. But, though ignited by Tony's comment, the heat of the anger was not aimed at Tony. The truth was John Paul had not properly shagged Craig, and it was starting to cause tension between them. Part of the anger was for himself for wanting it, though Craig had given him so much already. But the bulk of the anger was for Craig for refusing to even discuss it. John Paul looked at Tony, wondering if he somehow knew, then opened his mouth to respond—

"What the hell are you two talking about?" John Paul turned at the familiar voice, quiet but commanding. Craig stood in the door, looking at the both of them with narrowed eyes. As always seeing him made John Paul's heart flutter ridiculously.

"John Paul is going to DJ the party tonight," Tony said nonchalantly, turning back to the mirror.

"That's what you were talking about?" Craig said quietly. Even his voice sent shivers down John Paul's spine, and other places. Whenever he felt this way, he wondered if it was possible to climax just from the sound of someone's voice. The heat of his awakened anger seemed only to magnify the attraction. "John Paul?"

"Yes, among other things," he glanced at Tony. "I better go get my equipment and stuff."

"Yes. You better get your equipment in order."

John Paul glanced at Tony, whose face remained carefully neutral in the glass of the mirror, then turned towards the door. He passed close to Craig on his way, and Craig reached out a hand to grab his arm. The heat from the touch shot through John Paul's body. Really, it was almost not fair Craig could do this to him.

"I'll go with you."

John Paul swallowed and nodded. The look in Craig's eyes told him he had heard a bit more of the conversation with Tony that John Paul would have wanted, and he readied himself for the rebuke he knew was waiting once they got to the top of the stairs. _Do you ever property shag Craig?_ Of course Craig would be angry at the question.

But Tony's question had done one thing. At least, now, Craig would have to discuss it.


	2. Chapter 2

John Paul started collecting his equipment. Laptop, speakers, amp, some lights. He piled them on the bed, the whole time aware of Craig watching him from the doorway. After a few minutes of leaden silence, Craig took a couple steps into the room and gestured towards the bed.

"You really think the red and orange will go well together?"

"You're an expert on lights now?"

"Not an expert, just a bit of common sense, really. We could use a bit more of that around here, couldn't we?"

"What?"

Craig looked John Paul in the eyes. "Common sense."

That was it then. John Paul stopped and straightened. They were standing close enough to touch, though neither one moved to fill the gap. The room was filled with their life together, a poster from a concert they had attended, dozens of framed pictures, the colors, rugs and chairs all carefully selected when Craig insisted they redecorate the place together. John Paul swallowed. He had been intending to use this chance to talk about the issues that had been bothering him, but as he had so many times before, he instead found himself speaking in a conciliatory tone.

"Look, Craig, I'm sorry I was talking with Tony about our sex life. I told him to piss off, but he kept on me." The words were infused with a bit of the anger he felt at himself for apologizing when he though it was Craig who owed him an apology, but he was too fair minded to pretend he did not understand Craig's feelings. "I should have left when the questions started."

"It's alright. I know how Tony is. But, you should have left. I don't want Tony thinking about me like that."

_Like that_. The words rubbed a raw nerve. It was strange a hetro like Tony could talk bluntly about their sex life, but Craig, who was much more directly involved, so firmly refused. John Paul took a breath,

"Tony was being pretty decent about it, really. And we listen to them talk about sex all the time. How many times have we heard the details about Tony and one of his birds?"

"That's different, isn't it?"

"How, how is it different?"

Craig must have felt he had moved into dangerous territory, as he broke eye contact and picked up one of the lights, spinning it in his hands.

"It's just, it's got nothing to do with him. You know the guys talk about it for advice or to share the common experience or just complain. It wasn't like that when he was talking to you. I don't want to be the subject of Tony's curiosity. You know what I mean, John Paul."

John Paul did know what Craig meant. It was the same uneasiness that had made him respond angrily to Tony's questions, the feeling of being some sort of oddity to be investigated and recorded and catalogued. While it was better than blatant prejudice, it made John Paul feel as though his relationship was some sort of scientific experiment.

"You're right, I don't want to talk with Tony." John Paul said quietly, putting a hand over Craig's fingers, stilling their movement over the light. He took a step forward, bringing their bodies closer together. "I want to talk with you about it.

"About what?" Craig said carefully.

"About sex. About sex between us."

Craig had stilled, though John Paul could tell by the fixed look in his eye and tenseness in his shoulder that he was thinking rapidly. John Paul stayed silent, taking the time to slowly weave their fingers together. Craig allowed the light to drop to the bed, returning the pressure of John Paul's hand. It was a slight encouragement, but encouragement it was.

"I want to talk about why you're uncomfortable talking about—" John Paul searched for the softest expression possible, "letting me make love to you."

Craig got even more tense, but did not pull away. Feeling like he was dealing with the most delicate of metalworking, requiring precise movements and careful responses, John Paul continued,

"I know it makes you uncomfortable. I understand that, I really do."

"It doesn't." Craig said quietly.

"It doesn't what?"

"It doesn't make me uncomfortable." This was so clearly untrue that John Paul could not help but smirk.

"Really, because you sure look uncomfortable to me."

At the words Craig stepped back, breaking the link of their hands. John Paul felt a heaviness in his chest like cooled metal, and linked his owns hands together as a pour substitute for the contact he had lost. Craig's hands also seemed adrift, flitting about his sides as he took a turn about the room. He stopped just over arms length away from John Paul.

"There? See, I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You're more fidgety than Ross after a few doses. Please Craig, let's talk about this. I have told you before, we don't have to go all the way with it. Just, gradually, we can try some new things." Craig's fidgeting had been increasing and finally he pressed his lips together and raised one finger.

"Stop. Stop it now."

John Paul threw up his hands. "Why won't you even talk about this?"

"It's not that I won't talk about it, it's just, we don't have to, do we? We could just, let things happen instead of talking about them all the time like a couple of—" Craig stopped, but John Paul had already heard the unspoken word.

"A couple of what?" John's Paul's tone was harsher than he intended, "A couple of queers?"

"That's not what I meant John Paul."

"It sure sounded like what you meant."

"That's not fair, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"But that's what it feels like, doesn't it? It feels like you're rejecting me."

"Rejecting you? You sound like a kid."

"I sound like a kid?" John Paul walked over to where Craig was standing and put his hands on Craig's shoulders, running them up and down his arms. "I love you and I want to talk about this with you."

Craig held his gaze for a moment, his lips slightly parted. John Paul could see the thoughts flickering behind his eyes. But instead of speaking, Craig curled a hand around John Paul's neck and pulled him forward for a kiss. When Craig pulled back, he met John Paul's eyes and said fiercely,

"How about now then?"

"What now?" John Paul was dizzy, his mind a few steps behind the current situation.

"How about we try it now?"

John Paul took a moment to work out what Craig was talking about. Once he did, realizing what was being offered, he pulling back and framed Craig's face in his hands.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," before John Paul could ask again Craig leaned in for another kiss, the kind of kiss that pushed John Paul's head back and made him dizzy and breathless, the kind of kiss that made him forget arguments, doubts and restraints.

He pushed back, pressing his hands underneath Craig's shirt and pulling it off, getting the thrill of contact with bare skin. His heart never failed to beat in piercing and almost painful staccato rhythms whenever he held Craig like this. The tension had melted out of Craig's shoulders as they kissed, the feel of his unrestrained touch more intoxicating than an liquor, more addicting than any drug. John Paul kissed the soft spots on his neck that always made Craig shiver deliciously, and moved up to whisper in his ear,

"We'll be a proper couple, a real proper couple."

The tension came back to Craig's shoulders. His hands ceased their roaming and dug into John Paul's back, pulling them together in the kind of embrace that usually came after the sex was over. "What is it Craig?"

Craig had burrowed his face into the area at the crook of John Paul's neck, where his breath tickled sensitive skin and sent sensations dancing through fine hairs.

"John Paul, I need you…" John Paul's heart skipped a premature beat "…to tell me something."

John Paul took a breath, his heart still racing from what he thought he had maybe almost heard Craig say, and said, "What is it?"

"If I can't do this, will you leave?" The words were little more than a whisper.

"What?" John Paul said, realization dawning.

"If we try this and it doesn't work, if, if we have to stop…will you leave?"

"You're worried about that?" He almost added, _Why would you think that? _but he could not, because the answer was obvious enough. John Paul felt a metal clench of guilt around his heart, and he stepped back. He moved his hands to frame Craig's face, horrified to see what might have been the beginning of a tear in one eye. He ran a thumb over Craig's cheek.

"No, I won't leave for this. Please don't think that. I want you to do this with me because you want to, not because you're afraid I might leave. Craig, is that the only reason you, now…?"

Craig's eyes flitted to one side, then back to John Paul's face. "You said we don't have to do everything now. Gradually, you said."

"Yeah." Craig stepped in then and renewed their kiss, softer this time, so tender it almost made John Paul want to cry, and then made him want to smile, and then made him want to forget there had ever been any arguments ever. But of course that was impossible, for either of them.


End file.
